"Deep Thoughts" by Jack Handey for the Books app

wildonrio

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Jul 4, 2007
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#1
Deep Thoughts available on Amazon.


If you've never read Deep Thoughts before, they are seriously the funniest quotes I've ever read in my life. I've laughed for days about some of these. Feel free to post one of your favorite ones here. Here's a few of mine (actually, quite a few:p):

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page that can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid.

I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat." It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.

I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then, after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science?

Admin note: If you enjoy these, please consider supporting the author by purchasing his book on Amazon.
 

Nikos

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Sep 14, 2007
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Remember when the teacher would forget to give the class homework and you'd raise your hand and tell her she forgot, there would always be people who would moan and complain. Didn't you hate those people?
More like the opposite. Why would anyone ask for homework? That's like asking your credit card company to raise the interest rate on your next bill.
 

greenjbhsd

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Jul 13, 2007
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#3
I think I am one of those minorities that really never found these funny except the occasional one or two. I did like this one though:

There used to be a house on our block that we thought was haunted, because you'd hear people screaming inside and because people who went in never came out. Later on we found out it was just a murderer's house.
Maybe law and order has me brainwashed to respond to only death and crime...
 

Tinman

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Jul 16, 2007
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#4
I think I am one of those minorities that really never found these funny except the occasional one or two. I did like this one though:



Maybe law and order has me brainwashed to respond to only death and crime...
I've used several of these as sig lines for years. Two of my favorites:

"As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way."


"Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer."



--
Mike
"Another study I've devised involves asking a woman to open a jar of pickles."
 

g33k1

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#9
this made geology class so much better except for me laughing randomly in the middle of the lecture, btw post more I read them all and have 2 hours left
 

iamtko

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Sep 18, 2007
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#10
I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page that can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid.

If you're being chased by an angry bull, and then you notice you're also being chased by a swarm of bees, it doesn't really change things. Just keep on running.

Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all the time, people are going to get out of the way. Cars too!

Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about individual push buttons on each desk? That way, when you want to ask a question, you just push the button and it lights up a corresponding number on a tote board at the front of the class. Then all the professor has to do is check the lighted number against a master sheet of names and numbers to see who is asking the question.

theres just a few from the first section. i couldn't post them all because i would have to copy+paste FOREVER
 

whale_hunter

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Sep 11, 2007
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#11
Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about individual push buttons on each desk? That way, when you want to ask a question, you just push the button and it lights up a corresponding number on a tote board at the front of the class. Then all the professor has to do is check the lighted number against a master sheet of names and numbers to see who is asking the question.


Had me in tears
 

wildonrio

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Jul 4, 2007
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#12
this made geology class so much better except for me laughing randomly in the middle of the lecture, btw post more I read them all and have 2 hours left
Ha sorry I'm too late for your geology class. But you can download the whole collection by clicking the link in the OP. They are all in text file format and there are over 500 of them.

whale_hunter said:
Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about individual push buttons on each desk? That way, when you want to ask a question, you just push the button and it lights up a corresponding number on a tote board at the front of the class. Then all the professor has to do is check the lighted number against a master sheet of names and numbers to see who is asking the question.


Had me in tears
Me too the first time I read it. Did you like the first one about hunting for the whale? It goes right along with your name :)