The Good Joke Thread!

Hawk

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#1
We've heard the bad ones, now it's time for some good ones!
I'll start this off with one of my all-time favorites about a Texas Chili Cook-off.

*WARNING* strong langauge.

They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time
Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a
parking lot at the San Antonio city park.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank
who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge
at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at
the last moment . And I happened to be standing there at
the judge's table asking for directions to
the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured
by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I
could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy Moly what the hell is in this stuff?
You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm
not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to
wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. These hicks are out of their minds.

Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting frog- faced from all of the beer...

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans.
Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili..
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 --Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing,sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I messed myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
 

Hawk

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#2
Alright, Seems I need to get another one in here...

The difference between having "guts" and having "balls"

Guts…

Having a night out on the town with the boys,
Coming home drunk and late,
Smelling of alcohol.
When your wife starts chasing you around with a broom, you yell.
" Are you still cleaning something, or are you trying to fly somewhere?"

THAT’S having guts.

Balls….

Having a night out on the town with the boys,
Coming home drunk and late,
Smelling of perfume,
There's lipstick on your collar.
You walk in the door, smack your wife on the butt and say.
" You're next!"

Now THAT'S balls!
 

Hawk

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#3
And another one about coming home late...

Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the
other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home
afte we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the
driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes
off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the
bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent
splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes Up, and yells
at me for staying out so late!

His friend looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the
wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up The steps,
pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes
in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the
ass and say!, WHO'S HORNY?!" and she acts like she's sound asleep!

Works Every Time!
 

Hondamaker

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#4
Read this one with your best Irish accent:

Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.
Mick says, "How you doin?"
"Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters lying on the bed.

He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."
They say, "Get away with ya.... prove it."

Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?"
Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of f--kin' one?"

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Hondamaker

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#5
One day an old German Shepheard is chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepheard thinks, 'Oh, no! I'm in deep s**t now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old German Shepheard exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old German Shepheard nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old German Shepheard sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old German Shepheard sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepheard says...
'Where's that monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!'


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Dec 17, 2008
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#6
Did you here about the wife who had her credit cards stolen?
The husband didn't report it...Here the thief was spending less money 


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Hondamaker

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#7
We've heard the bad ones, now it's time for some good ones!
I'll start this off with one of my all-time favorites about a Texas Chili Cook-off.
I remember this one. Man, I practically crapped my pants I laughed so hard!


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Hawk

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#8
I remember this one. Man, I practically crapped my pants I laughed so hard!

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My favorite line is, "I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone."
 

Hawk

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#9
Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and
found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball
back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the
patch. All of a sudden.....POOF ! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little
old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your
life.......As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything
the rest of your life! Then POOF!......she was gone !After Dave
recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where are
you?" Fred yells back "I'm over here in the pussywillows." Dave shouts
back, "DON'T SWING, Fred; for the love of God, DON'T SWING !"